My Super Ex Palm tree
by LuciousLadyLucius
Summary: AU! 'E' Girl is the superhero of central...A living legend amongst the people of Armestris. What happens when Ed meets Envy, and asks him out? What is Envy's connection with 'E' girl?EdEnvy, EdRoy, EnvyGreed,
1. E' Girl

**My Super Ex-Palm Tree**

**Summary: AU! 'E' Girl is the superhero of central...A living legend amongst the people of Armestris.**

**Ed Elric is a state alchemist. Envy, is a neurotic beauty. What happens when Ed meets Envy, and asks him out? Is there more to this wild haired man than Ed thought? What is his connection with 'E' girl? Based on the movie: "My Super Ex-Girlfriend"**

**Warnings: YAOI! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist...unfortunately...nor do I own Super Ex Girlfriend...I just like the movie**

**Pairings: (include) EdEnvy, EdRoy, EnvyGreed, RoyArmstrong…**

**-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Chapter 1**

"And the building is collapsing right before our eyes!" the frantic News reporter read, "The Bomb was set off without warning and now people are stuck inside unable to get out"

The people in the streets panicked.

"What are we going to do?"

"There's nothing we can do?"

"Oh my goodness! Those poor poor people!"

"We need a miracle"

"Oh my…LOOK" a woman pointed to something in the sky

"Is it a bird?"

"Is it a plane?"

"No its…"

"-'E' GIRL! HE'S COME TO SAVE THE DAY!" a man yelled happily as the figure in the sky swooped lower down. It was a scantily dressed androgynous male with long green hair pulled up in a high tight pony tail. A large 'E' plastered on his chest.

'E' Girl swooped down to the middle of the building where it was breaking and picked it up using only his strength, he began to fly with the whole building on his arms, he brought it across Central planting it safely down in Central's Central park.

The whole of Central cheered.

SNAP

Somebody took a picture

--

Edward Elric and Jean Havoc were standing on the train going to work. They were looking at the picture of the famous 'E' Girl in the Central times

"Now she's hot" Jean grinned pointing at the picture

"He's hot" corrected Ed smirking

"But her name's E **GIRL**" Jean frowned

"That's a man" Ed frowned back

"Wonder why she's called _'**E'**_girl….Now **_she's_ **hot!" Havoc said

"What? You just said that Jean…and its-"

"No! Not 'E' Girl you div! …her!" Jean pointed along the train to a quiet passenger sitting on the train reading a book titled 'The art of romance.' He was slender and pale, dressed in a smart yet casual outfit, of dark trousers and tight black top. His hair was a dark green, and extremely long and spiky...rather like a palm tree actually. Although he was a man, he was very feminine looking

"Yeah, Jean that is also a guy"

"You sure? Maybe you're right…but you know me, either way is good" Ed rolled his eyes smilingly. They guy on the train was very attractive…in a pretty kind of way. "Hey Ed" Jean continued "Why don't you have this one"

"W-what? No its fine"

"Ed…come on, its been like centuries since your last relationship. You need to get laid"

"Jean!" Ed blushed

"Go on…ask her…I mean him out"

Ed sighed

"Fine" he walked forward nervously to the guy reading the book. He stood in front of him for a second, unsure how to alert the young man of his presence. The green haired youth smirked slightly, placed a finger on a line in his book and looked up at Ed. Purple eyes meeting gold ones. "Wow you have the coolest eyes!" Ed said suddenly.

The guy looked curiously at Ed and back down at his book

"Uh I mean…you look like an interesting person…and I was wondering if you might like to go with me to get a -"

"No" the guy said sharply looking straight at Ed and then back to his book again

Ed looked hopelessly at Jean again who nodded encouragingly to his friend.

"Or if you don't like coffee…we could get something else…before I make a complete fool of myself"

The guy opened his mouth to say something when SUDDENLY a man whipped past him grabbing his bag and running of the subway. The poor victim shrieked. Ed immediately made a grab for the thief to pull him back …but he was out of reach. Edward jumped off the train and ran after the thief dodging the crowds of people. The Man ran up on to the street and ran across the road. Ed weaved in and out of cars and cabs determined to save the poor palm tree guy's bag. Ed suddenly jumped and tackled the thief. He grabbed the bag safely, but the thief managed to escape, without the bag.

Ed laughed

"HA! THAT'S RIGHT! RUN YOU ARSE HOLE! NOT SO TOUGH NOW ARE YOU!"

The thief, who was now some way up the street turned and looked at Ed with beady angry eyes.

"What did you call me you little pipsqueak"

"WHOYOUCALLINSOSHORTHEGETSLOSTINTHECARPET!"

The thief blinked and continued

"DID YOU CALL ME AN ARSE HOLE?"

"What…uh oh" Ed ran as the thief ran toward him with his fist outstretched.

Ed ran up the street and down an alleyway. It was a dead end, the only option was to jump in the dumpster.

Ed cringed and put his safety first.

The thief looked down the alleyway that the pipsqueak had ran down. Dead end…dumpster?

"Idiot" the thief smirked, he picked up a long piece of discarded wood on the side of the alley. He walked towards the dumpster and bashed the wood against the metal trash can.

"I know you're in there you idiot. You think you can hide from me?"

Ed shuddered

The thief laughed…he could nearly here the pipsqueak shivering with fear. He was about to bash the dumpster again when suddenly he felt a mighty force lift him up into the air…

Ed saw the dumpster lid open

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" Ed shrieked shielding his face from the thiefs punches. However, his shield was not needed. It was not the thief…but the nice palm tree guy from the train. He smiled down at Ed

"Hey there"

"Hi…I've got your bag" Ed said passing the bag to the guy.

"Are you going to stay in the dumpster all day?"

"What? Oh no!" Ed said sitting up and crawling out

"Way to go for getting the thief, hey where did he-"

"Uh" the guy interrupted "I didn't catch your name"

"Oh…I'm Ed" Ed said putting his hand forward for they guy to shake

"I'm Envy" the guy smiled "and…uh I was wondering if you'd like to get a coffee…in thanks for saving my bag…..or perhaps something more substantial….like dinner"

"Wow…Really?" Ed said excitedly

"Yeah" Envy smiled

"Uh Sure, definitely….Envy"

"Brilliant…well here's my phone number…give me a call" Envy handed him a business card. Ed grinned, took it and reached into his own pocket to get his own.

"Here's mine" Ed smiled walking with Envy back to the subway, to shocked at having gotten a date with Envy to remember what happened with the thief…who…funnily enough was handing by his coat from a hook…ten feet above the dumpster!


	2. First Date with Envy

**Chapter 2**

"So Edward did you get the letter done?"

"Yeah Roy here it is" Ed smiled passing the letter to his friend. Roy Mustang was a tall dark and handsome man. Everyone wanted to go out with him whether they were male or female. Roy was currently going out with some kind of well muscled body builder…so nobody stood a chance. Ed admired Roy from afar, too shy to ask him out when Roy was single and too afraid of Roy's boyfriend to ask him now. So they settled on being close work friends.

"Hey Roy" Jean said walking through the office casually

"Hey Havoc" Roy said sweetly back.

Ed suddenly heard his ring tone, he checked the caller id

_**Envy calling**_

Ed smiled and put the phone to his ear

"Hey Envy" Ed said happily into the receiver

Havoc and Roy exchanged confused glances

"Envy?" Roy raised a surprised eyebrow "A guy?" Havoc laughed

Ed waved a hand for them to shut Ed grinned "Dinner? Brilliant…what time? ...7pm? Great…Indian….yeah I love Indian…cool, I know where it is… I'll see you then…yeah…Bye Envy"

Ed put the phone down smirked and sat down at his desk

"Go on! No secrets between friends, Ed" Havoc said seriously

Ed laughed

"Well remember that guy on the train?" Ed asked

"Yeah…What happened by the way. Her bag was stolen and you jumped off the train"

Roy listened intently to the conversation

"I managed to get her bag back and she was grateful so we exchanged numbers"

"Wow" Havoc shook his head proudly "Who'd have thought you'd have pulled it off?"

"Hey!" Ed said hitting his friends arm

"What does he look like Ed?" asked Roy

"Oh, he's kind of…you know…pretty. He's pale, slim and his hair-"

"Resembles a palm tree" Havoc finished

Roy burst out laughing

"Seriously?"

"Weellllll" Ed said thoughtfully "Kinda…but anyway. He's really hot…and I'm meeting him for Indian at 7:00…so I'm not complaining…So Roy…how's your boyfriend…uh what's his name?"

"Alexander" Roy said blushing "And…yeah he's good. He's starting this new bodybuilding thing on TV"

"TV? Woh Roy…you'll be rich and famous too then" Havoc smirked

"Looks that way" Roy grinned, but his smile suddenly faulted "I'm not after the fame or the money or anything"

"Don't worry Roy. We know!" Ed smiled at his friend

--

Ed began preparing for his date with Envy the moment he got home. He dressed up in smart navy blue suit, his hair braided back neatly, then loosened into a pony tail, then back into a braid, then into a pony tail again.

Envy was waiting outside the restaurant, dressed in a silk black shirt and fitted elegant black trousers.

"Hey there" Envy smiled warmly "You came"

Ed laughed "What? Did you expect me not to turn up"

Envy shrugged good naturedly

"I was just worried you'd let me down…shall we go in?"

"Sure"

--

"So what do you do Envy?" Ed asked as they ate their meal happily

"Oh…well…I work for a small art gallery" he explained "Its pretty great, helping to show upcoming new artists work"

"Sounds great" Ed said genuinely

"What do you do?" Envy asked

"I'm an architect in a big company" Ed said off handly "Nothing quite so interesting…but I work with some cool people and all…" Ed stopped, Envy's expression seemed to have changed, he was twitching slightly as if hearing something loud in his ear. But Ed could hear nothing. "You okay?"

"Huh? Uh…yeah…um" Envy twitched again "I uh….gotta go to the bathroom" he got up from his seat and disappeared from the restaurant room.

Ed shrugged…Envy was a little strange…but strange was okay…he guessed.

He took out his mobile and went to the speed dial

**Jean mob**

Ed put the phone to his ear listening to the dialling tone

"Hey Ed"

"Hey Jean"

"How's it going?"

"Oh he's great…a little strange but great"

"Good good"

Ed could hear some commotion in the background

"Hey Jean, what's going on there?"

"I dunno…oh a building's on fire and people are getting hysterical"

"Oh shit…is anyone hurt?"

"I dunno probably… it's blocking my way from the gym"

"Wow I'm with you in your hour of need" Ed said sarcastically. There was a louder yell of screams in the background "Has something else happened"

"I…OH WOW…ED ITS E-GIRL…HE'S COME TO SAVE THE DAY"

"E-Girl? Wow you lucky S.O.B I've never even caught a glimpse of E-girl and your seeing her save the day…what is she doing exactly?"

Jean looked up at the superhero in the air, above the burning fiery building; E-girl began to spin pulling the smoked from the building

"He or she is spinning" Havoc said "Spinning like one of those things…that…spin"

"Wooowww" said Ed in awe "What does he/she look like?"

"Blurry" Havoc said dazedly "Blurry….but still kinda hot…okay E-girl is pulling the smoke away from the building into outer space…the BUILDING'S SAVED!"

"That's great!"

"Oh…E-girl seems to have disappeared somewhere"

"Oh right" Ed frowned he saw Envy coming back towards the table "Oh gotta go seeya Jean"

"Seeya Ed"

Ed hung up as Envy sat down

"Sorry I took so long" Envy smiled…there was a big big queue"

"Aha…uh you have something on your face" Ed frowned

Envy did have some weird dusty black mark near his chin. He grabbed his face

"Oh crap…I hate it when that happens"

"When what happens?"

"You know…mystery smudges…I gotta go to the bathroom" he got up

"You just went" Ed frowned

"You're keeping track now?" Envy frowned "That's kinda creepy" and he left for the bathroom _again_

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**Thank you to ****Rinagurl13**** and ****sprinkle-chan**** for reviewing…I am glad you liked chapter one…hope you enjoyed chapter 2 aswell**


	3. Nut jobs, Roses and Head boards

**Chapter 3 - Nut jobs, Roses and Head boards.**

**(Ok this chapter contains a male on male sex scene…so if you don't want to read the last bit don't…and uh if you think I need to put the rating up to 'M' just mention in a reply or pm)**

"He sounds like a complete nut job" Roy exclaimed

"Yeah well crazy guys are attracted to me" Ed shrugged laughing

"Yeah you do have that strange auror around you" Roy grinned jokingly as he continued to type on his computer. Suddenly the screen switched off "Oh" Roy gasped softly

"What happened? Did it come unplugged?"

"I dunno" Roy looked at the buttons on the wall "I'm not great with electrical appliances" he bit his lip. Roy was renowned for being a bit hippy dippy and anti non environmental friendly products and all.

"Oh I'll fix it for you…the screen probably just came unplugged" Ed crawled down on the floor and went under Roy's desk to connect the loose wire "You always make me do the dirty work" Ed said cheekily. Roy laughed and kicked Ed's arse with his boot jokingly

"You bet Ed"

"Hey…don't do that…hey sexual harassment!" Ed called out laughing all the time

"Whhaaatt'ss going onn?" came a deep voice which was neither Ed's nor Roy's.

Ed crawled out from under the desk and looked up. It was a tall man completely made of muscle, Ed gulped…Roy's boyfriend Alex!

"Oh I was just fixing a loose cable for Roy I swear nothing was happening"

"Hey Alex" Roy said lovingly running up to him and hugging him

"Hey Roy…oh don't worry!" Alex said pompously "I was just pulling your leg"

"Oh right" Ed laughed "You got me"

"My name is Alex Louis Armstrong!" Alex said deeply putting his huge hand forward for Ed to shake…Ed frowned

"Um Alex" Roy whispered "This is Ed Elric…you've met him twice before"

"Oh do excuse me! I was never one for remembering faces"

"Well me and Alex have to go for lunch now Ed…seeya"

"Have fun, I have to call Envy any how"

"You're seeing him again?" Roy said wide eyed "Good luck"

"Yeah" Ed laughed

"Come along Roy" Alex said pompously again.

--

"He seems neurotic…kind of crazy" Ed said to Jean

"Well you know what they say about neurotic guys" Jean said knowingly "Hellcats in bed" Jean growled

"Really?"

"Oh yeah" Jean nodded

"The question is…are you going to sleep with him?"

"Well I don't know…maybe-"

"No let me rephrase…are you going to sleep with anyone again?" Jean asked slightly cruelly. Ed rolled his eyes "That's the real question!"

--

That evening when Ed went to see Envy he bought on the way a single red rose. It was just a gift, Ed did not think much of it, just something to show his appreciation to Envy. Envy however, was ecstatic

"Oh wooowwww…a rose? A red rose!" he squealed "Did you know different coloured roses mean different things?"

"Really?" Ed asked confused

"Yeah…like red means romance, love and passion…to give someone a rose means you love them…not that I'm saying that you love me or anything…but maybe one day…hopefully…no pressure" he said almost scarily. Ed gulped. Envy was a weirdo, a fast mover and possibly a "nut job" in Roy's words…but still Ed found this new relationship very exciting. He'd never met anyone like Envy before.

"Hey should we get a cab?" Ed asked quickly changing the subject

"Sure" Envy perked up flashing his violet eyes over to a cab speeding by

Ed held out his hand

"TAXI, TAXI!" but the cab drove straight by as if not even seeing Ed. Envy sighed.

Poor Edo…he was trying so hard as well…well a little help would not hurt. Envy opened his mouth very slightly and sucked in the air…the taxi stopped….it began to reverse backwards, stopping right in front of Ed and Envy. Envy closed his mouth and coughed slightly. The taxi driver jumped out of his taxi examining the wheels of his car

"Hey thanks for stopping really appreciate" Ed said happily opening the car door for Envy "You're coughing…are you okay?"

"Yeah just a little road dust…can we stop by my art gallery…we got a new show"

"Sure"

--

Envy led Ed around the small art show room admiring the sculptures

"Yeah…they're nice" Ed nodded. They were slightly disturbing in Ed's point of view, some weird pieces of modern art which Ed looked at as just plain rubbish. Envy seemed to think they were work of Michelangelo or someone.

"Aren't they incredible" Envy said star struck "You know Ed…I brought you here for a reason" Envy said suddenly changing his tone

"Really?" Ed said interestedly

"I always feel relaxed amongst the art work…and I found this the easiest place to tell you…I help people…every single day…you wouldn't even imagine…but….nobody has ever helped me…except for you" he walked close up Ed so they were almost touching "You're my hero"

The scene was so perfect. The soft dimmed light, the quiet of the gallery. Ed smiled as the two leaned towards each other sharing a soft kiss. Envy opened his mouth slightly to allow Ed's tongue in…they began to French when all of a sudden Envy pulled away

"You okay?" Ed asked, disappointed that they had stopped

"Well…No!" Envy said sharply "I'm not! Its your tongue!"

"What about my tongue?" Ed asked

"Your using it all wrong, you can just let it lie there like a dead thing…you got a move it properly"

"Huh?" Ed said feeling rather insulted "Hey I'm not used to having my tongue critiqued like this"

"Maybe not to your face" Envy said rudely. Ed frowned

"Oh man" he could not bear to think what his former lovers may have said behind his back

"Don't worry…let me help you" Envy smiled softly leaning back in "Do what I do"

Envy gently flicked his tongue against Ed's as he slowly entered his mouth, sending tiny little vibrations all through Ed's body.

--

Ed thrust the door of his apartment open, continuing to kiss and grope Envy as he kicked the door shut behind them. They continued to make out for a minute while in the flat before breaking apart for air.

"Uh…yeah heh heh…so this is my apartment"

Envy looked around smiling at the nicely furnished large flat

"Its great"

"Yeah…this is the kitchen" Ed wandered around slightly…and the dining room is here…and the living room….yeah…oh" Ed walked over to a goldfish bowl "This is my goldfish Al"

"Sweet" Envy said not looking at it.

"And…uh…that's my bedroom" he pointed along the corridor. Envy grinned grabbed Ed by the shoulders and steered him to the bedroom direction.

"Woh, you know what you want" Ed laughed

"Don't you want it too?" Envy asked as he threw Ed onto the bed.

"Of course" Ed grinned. He couldn't believe this was happening.

"Let me help you" Envy said and grabbed Ed's jacket to pull it off…but in one swift movement Envy had pulled it so hard, the jacket had cleanly ripped into two pieces.

"Oh crap…I guess I'm a little nervous…I'll buy you a new one"

"Hey its okay, I got a dozen of those…let me just handle this" he pulled off his own t-shirt carefully and threw it aside. Envy began to remove his own jacket and pulled off his t-shirt…there was some kind of vest thing underneath, Ed saw a brief flash of an "E". Envy shrieked and pulled his t-shirt back down

"I need to uh…go"

"Use the bathroom? Its just through that door" Ed explained as Envy ran off "He must use the bathroom a lot" Ed muttered to himself.

Envy POV.

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! That was a close one; Envy thought to himself, he had forgotten he still had his "E" girl outfit on under his clothes. Envy quickly undressed pulling off his "E" girl costume and stuffing it behind the radiator before pulling his boxers and his t-shirt on again at the speed of light.

Envy then re-entered the bedroom

Ed's POV

Ed smiled as Envy entered the bedroom again now in only a tight t-shirt and shorts. Envy smirked, lunged forward and "ripped" Ed's trousers off. The two quickly climbed into bed kissing furiously. Ed made to roll Envy on to his stomach but Envy pushed him off

"Do you mind if I get on top? I just prefer it" Envy grinned

"Uh sure okay" Ed shrugged contentedly crawling onto all fours and waiting for Envy to climb on top.

"You ready for this?" Envy whispered sultrily into Ed's ear

"You bet" Ed laughed

"Hold on tight" Envy laughed as he thrust into Ed. Ed yelled in a mixture of pleasure and shock. Envy had pushed the bed right up into the wall. As he slid back slightly the bed was pulled two feet away from the wall. Another thrust and the bed went flying back against the wall. The routine continued and continued, the wall had a large dent in it and large chunks of the head board had begun to fall off. All the same though, this was the best sex Ed had ever had…if not slightly painful. After a while, Envy stopped, got off of Ed and lay down next to him pulling him down into an embrace

"I'm so sorry…I'll get you a new one?"

"A bed or an arse?" Ed asked wincing

"Um…both" Envy blushed.


End file.
